It’s true that society has created certain standards for mothers. It naturally doesn’t help that we as women have also set our own standards that are incredibly high and drive us in constant pursuit of being the “perfect mother and woman.”
We strive towards “always getting things right”, to please others, to juggle all the balls of marriage, parenthood, career, friendships and self-care with incredible efficiency, and instead of supporting our fellow women, compete for the trophy.
Guilt can so easily creep into every single aspect of our lives that we end up second-guessing ourselves, feel guilty when we are at work not spending time with our children, and guilty when we are with our children and not working. We feel guilty when we don’t message a sick aunt, have time to follow someone’s holiday on social media, or end-up buying last-minute, random birthday presents online.
WATCH: How to live a guilt-free life
Is society creating unrealistic expectations of women?
In her book Forget Having It All, author and journalist Amy Westervelt sums up the working mom dilemma: “We expect women to work like they don’t have children, and raise children as if they don’t work.”
Because of this, women feel guilty. Mothers still invest fully in everything they do, but the time allocated to the specific activity may be different or reduced.
Before I became a mother and I achieved something, whether work-related, running-related, or completing an extensive creative project, there have certainly been many congratulatory reactions but inevitably followed by comments such as “but do you have children” or “you are so lucky for not having children, and time to work on your career/art/sport”. As if your accomplishments are only valid if you have children. Somehow, being a woman without children made your accomplishments trivial, and lessened your value in society.
Now that I am a mom, once again, society has set scripts advocating that mothers apparently are less able to perform. If mothers are overworked, tired, stretched or stressed, society blames this on the mother because after all, she chose to have children, and certainly doesn’t have the right to complain, or say no to the after-hours meeting or request more resources.
The mother dilemma has been used in the workplace as an excuse to address real issues such as workloads. When you are not a mother you might more easily accept the request to work late, over weekends or travel extensively for your job. But that same woman who then becomes a mother, later on, will most likely push back, ask for a larger team, an increase in resources, question the need to travel instead of attending the meeting online, and set boundaries for outside of office hours work requests. And it is within this very unhealthy work culture that women are overlooked for promotion or roles of authority because “they are just not that committed to their job as their male counterpart or non-mothers.”
And so, guilt piles up.
The birth of mom-guilt
Mom guilt has many origins, from personal insecurities to outside pressures from family, friends, and social media. Many women feel that their mom guilt is not situational but instead is related to the unrealistic ideal of a perfect mom and the cultural expectations about being constantly loving, being at the top of your career ladder (or climbing feverishly to get there), running a beautifully styled and always organised home, and being ever-attentive. This leads to constant comparison with other women or moms, resulting in feelings of inadequacy.
Mom-guilt is particularly prevalent among professional women. Professional women often feel torn between their desire to continue working and mixed feelings over leaving their child. It creates a conflict between the professional career they want (or perhaps they have to work) and the type of parent they would want to be. They may feel sadness or ambivalence about not being able to or wanting to, spend more time with their child. The costs and quality of childcare while at work may also cause additional stress. But stay-at-home moms may also experience guilt – for not being more productive, for not advancing in their careers, and for not contributing to the family income.
The consequences of mom-guilt
Feeling (appropriately) guilty may help you to spend quality time with your child, or serve healthier meals, but persistent and inappropriate feelings of guilt could lead to low self-worth and have a negative impact on your mental well-being. Not to mention negative coping strategies such as an extra glass of wine, incessant social media scrolling or posts to compare yourself to other moms, or “proofing” that you are a good mother. Trying to be everything for everyone at all times, without asking for help, will also lead to burnout and even depression.
Overcoming mom-guilt
If you are a working mother – whether working away from home, working from home or a stay-at-home (domestic executive), we must all address our unhealthy relationship with mom-guilt:
- Identify the true reasons for feeling guilty. It is helpful to keep a journal. Over time you may, for example, identify that the trigger for your guilt feelings centers around not being able to attend all your child’s after-school sports or cultural activities and you feel excluded when the other parents discuss this.
- Know your truth. Who are you beyond motherhood? What are your values and your goals for yourself? And for your children do you want them to be happy, healthy and kind? Make sure that your daily choices align with these core values. Forgive yourself for your choices and circumstances. Every time you think to yourself, “I feel bad about __” replace that with, “I made that decision because ___” and then move forward.
- Press the pause button on your negative automatic thoughts. For example, returning to work is not a bad choice. It won’t harm your baby. Most children thrive and flourish even if both parents are working. Trust your choice in terms of caregiving whether a nanny or day-care. Doubting yourself, only makes you less efficient at both jobs.
- Know who you trust for advice. Surround yourself with a very small group of supportive people such as your partner, a trusted family member, your paediatrician, a judgment-free friend (or two), a life coach, or your therapist. The more people you share your doubts with the more (unsolicited) opinions you will receive. Be mindful of the groups you follow on social media and WhatsApp. Unfollow those that make you feel inadequate and criticised.
- Invest in your selfcare. This includes not only “me-time”, but also “we-time”. Keep in mind that loving yourself is one of the best ways to love your children. Selfcare is not selfish – it is helping you to be your best self when you are spending quality time with your children. Read more about self-care in my previous blog.
- Ask for help and share responsibilities. If you do not have a (helpful) partner, mother or friend who you are comfortable asking to assist, and can afford to, pay for help. Better yet, if you can, do both.
- Be sensitive about your social media posts. Please do share your proud mommy moments but be careful not to create the perfect picture all the time and push the mommy guilt between your friends who might feel that “why do you have it all together, and they don’t?”
- Avoid comparisons. Resist the urge to compare which often leads to feelings of inadequacy and guilt. The next time some mom wants to compare how early your kids started talking or how long you breastfed your babies, politely change the subject. Remember, you and your child are unique — embrace the parent you are and the child you have. Trust your intuition! A mother’s intuition is a strong source of wisdom and decision-making power that we, and women through the ages, have used to keep our babies safe and healthy.
- Practice gratitude. We may get to the end of motherhood and realise we missed so many sweet moments worrying about what we weren’t doing right. We may regret not listening to other women and supporters telling us we were doing a great job.
- Seek help. When your guilt and self-doubt become overwhelming, you are plagued by a low mood or anxiety, or find that you have lost interest in the things you used to enjoy, do seek professional help.
You are good enough!
Perhaps our aim should rather be “a good enough mother” rather than a “perfect mother”.
Attachment researchers, such as John Bowlby, discovered that parents need to be emotionally present to comfort their child, attune to their child’s feelings, show delight when seeing their child, and support their child in order to have a healthy and secure parent-child attachment. In other words, they are caring for and connected with their child, without sacrificing their personal needs and health.
Why not focus on committing to 30 minutes with your children every day where you are really present, engaging with them through a game, crafts, dancing or simply chatting. That connection will strengthen the bond with your children and allow you to guilt-free spend the rest of the evening on your hobby, your partner, friends or finishing off that report.
Lower your bar from trying to be the perfect mom who can do it all, who does everything she “should” be doing, and is praised for her selflessness, to the mother who reclaims her own life and takes care of herself. Love your children (and your work) in the way which works for you and them. Our children will turn out amazing – and our guilt will not contribute an ounce to the little person we raise, but it will inhibit us to enjoy the journey.
