I often reflect on the evolving nature of friendship: why some bonds endure, whilst others fade or only last a season. And within this, I remind myself that at every life stage it is possible to nurture meaningful connections that enrich our emotional lives.

Many of us, particularly in our 30s, 40s and beyond, feel the sting of loneliness. Not because we are alone but we lack new, close friendships. As adults we are often surrounded by acquaintances but not by the emotional confidants we so crave.

Friendship forms an integral part of our wellbeing helping us to buffer stress and adversity. We are literally “wired” for friendship by our brain systems and neurochemicals (like oxytocin, endorphins and dopamine) that reinforce bonding and reward.

Close friendships offer profound psychological benefits: they give us pleasure, motivation and emotional security. Brain imaging studies of young people show that engaging with friends activates the brain’s reward and motivation regions (such as the ventral striatum). When we empathise or “mentalise” about friends, we tap into the brain’s social cognition networks.

A meta-analysis of 38 studies  found that friendship quality – having supportive, trusting friends – and active maintenance – staying in touch, being present – are strong predictors of higher wellbeing. People who feel close to their friends and socialise regularly tend to report greater happiness and a stronger sense of purpose. Friendships help meet basic emotional needs.

READ: What does happiness look like?

Why do some childhood friendships last a lifetime?

We all have that one school friend we still call decades later, while others we once spent every break time with have vanished from our lives. What makes the difference?

Sharing key traits

In a study, that tracked over 1300 ten-year-olds across three countries identified predictors of lasting childhood friendships.  Children who were well-liked by peers, did well in school or shared similar social status with their friends were more likely to maintain stable relationships.

Interestingly, the strongest predictors varied by country. For example, academic achievement predicted stability among Chinese children, while in Indonesia, similarity in aggression levels was a key factor.

These differences show that lasting friendships are often rooted in shared traits or social standing but what matters most, varies across cultures. Peer status also plays a role: well-liked children tended to have more enduring friendships.

Parents play a role

Research suggest that parents can influence the outcome of friendships. Children whose parents promote warmth, autonomy and empathy tend to form more stable and lasting friendships. However, certain family dynamics can make it harder for children to maintain bonds, potentially putting them at a social disadvantage.

Psychological research suggests that childhood friendships are shaped not only by shared experiences, fun and play, but also by emotional support and mutual understanding. Shared traits such as academic interests, humour or similar family dynamics also play a role in longevity.

In other words, when friendships begin with authentic connection and mutual growth, they are more likely to weather the storms of time.

 

Growing up—and growing apart

While our core needs from friends – to be heard, supported and enjoyed – remain consistent throughout life, our circumstances and expectations shift.

In childhood, friendships revolved around fun and play. By adolescence, they evolved into deeper, more intimate bonds as teens explore identity. In adulthood, friendships become more voluntary and require deliberate effort, given the competing demands of work, family and shrinking free time.

Adolescence and early adulthood are often called the “golden era” of friendship when time is abundant and responsibilities are fewer. But as we age, life gets busier. Careers intensify, relationships evolve, families grow and we often move away – geographically and emotionally.

Studies show that our number of close friends peaks in our twenties and then starts to decline after that.  Not necessarily because we care less but because time, energy and opportunity become limited. Interestingly, young women tend to shed acquaintances more quickly in their late twenties, while men in their forties often have fewer close friends than women. Some friendships naturally fade when they no longer reflect who we are becoming. And that is okay. Growth sometimes requires shedding old layers.

 

Why does it feel harder to make friends as an adult

Deep friendships require time, and time is in short supply. Research suggests that it takes about 50 hours of interaction to move from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours total to become “real” friends, and over 200 hours before you consider someone a close friend. But when our calendars are packed with work, family obligations and errands, friendship-building often falls to the bottom of the list.

Also, in adulthood, we don’t share as much unstructured time as we did at school or university. We don’t “bump into” people repeatedly in the same way, making it harder to naturally nurture a connection. And without a shared history, many adult relationships remain at surface level.

Other factors play a role too. Socio-economic disparities affect our ability to maintain friendships into later life. People who are healthier, more educated or living in urban areas are more likely to have social opportunities and maintain friendships after 65. In contrast, those in poorer health or more isolated circumstances often lack access to shared activities like book clubs or golf courses. This highlights the importance of supportive communities and meaningful engagement, particularly for older adults.

 

Maintaining friendships: work worth doing

It’s not enough to have friends, we need to nurture them. Like gardens, friendships require tending. Life’s seasons will always bring change – births, deaths, marriages, moves, illnesses – but it’s the friends who stay present through change that become our chosen family. Maintaining close relationships is the most important work we do in our lives.

To build lasting friendships in adulthood, we need to:

  • Prioritise time together—friendships can’t thrive on WhatsApp and Facebook alone.
  • Be vulnerable — authenticity builds emotional intimacy.
  • Initiate—don’t wait for someone else to make the first move.
  • Be consistent—check in, follow through, and make space
  • Be supportive – remember to ask about their new job, their child’s first recital or that stressful visit from the in-laws.

 

Make the call. Send the message. Meet for the coffee, even if only for 30 minutes. Reconnect. Repair. Reach out.

Friendships remind us who we are and who we’re becoming. Some may be for a reason, some for a season but the ones we invest in with intention and love? Those are the friendships that become lifelines.

So, whether you’re rekindling an old friendship or bravely starting a new one, may you always find connection, meaning and joy in the companionship of others.